The LAST DAY of third quarter!

Wow..what an interesting quarter it has been! I must say!! I started off the quarter not so well, and then I slowly moved into the quarter with hammering down on assignments and going to some type of tutoring every single week. Today is my Physics test which I have dedicated THREE DAYS and God knows how many hours to! Oh, and I finally found a service project. I can finally jump-start my life of helping people. I am really excited to see how it turns out, but as always, I am also nervous.

These two weeks aren’t going to exactly be relaxing, either. I am finishing off my shadowing hours, and then I will literally have nothing to do since I no longer have a job. UGHHH. I want a job so badly, but obviously I can’t just get one overnight. Anyway, I am more than ready to take on fourth quarter and finish off my senior year, and finally, move. This is something I have been counting down for a year…7 more months…5 more months….3 more months…and now it is almost HERE!! I am so excited. I think I am really ready.

FINALLY a service project!

I have been needing to come up with a service project for Service Leadership..and my main problem was that I had so many ideas I did not know which one I would do! So I finally decided on the perfect project..its called Say No to Jai Ho. It is literally the funniest thing ever. In my Freshman or Sophomore year of High School, they had this thing called Make Mmmbop Stop, and it is when they would play Mmbop during every passing period. I think everyone knows how ANNOYING that song can be. Well, everyone had to pay to make it stop. They had a certain goal that they had to reach. It was a lot of fun, though, because for the first few weeks I danced to each period. hahaha. But eventually, it did get annoying. We are doing the same thing with Jai Ho. We are playing it during each passing period, and people have to pay to make it stop. It is going to be a riot, because people are going to get annoyed really fast. It is amazing how annoyed people get when music that they don’t like is playing. Oh, and all the money will go to Free the Children, which is an organization that helps kids in India. Yay!

February 16, 2009; Here’s the Truth.

I just can’t believe that I am here again. It is like square one all over. Constant breakdowns in public, and being in a disgusting, dark state of mind. I have not cried so much in the past fourty-eight hours, and the worst part of all of this is no one is truly taking notice. I am not screwing up on purpose. I am trying so hard and I am putting my heart and soul in everything I do in order to make people happy, but in the end, someone is mad. At me.

I am sorry that no one is getting the perfect happy ending. I did not either. And I am still recovering from it. That’s right, it was only a week-long relationship and I am still crying about it. It was my first relationship in two years, and I went into it with an open heart, and I came out of it knowing that I screwed up. Again. It feels like a big tunnel that I will consider to spiral down in. I know everyone is judging me saying WHY is chelsea so depressed about this? It was only a week long relationship. And he was a jerk. etc etc. I know what everyone is saying. But they don’t know. NONE of my friends know. Because none of them stop to ask. It is so much more than missing him. It is the fact that I am a seventeen year-old girl and I can not just have a stable relationship that lasts more than like, a week. All because of some idiot I dated TWO years ago. I am STILL affected by it. And it aggravates me. I get so frustrated. But there is nothing I can do about it.

I am so upset about my dad, too. He probably does not even read this anymore, and I don’t blame him if he doesn’t. I have been the worst daughter ever. I do feel that I have changed. I do not even think straight. But if he is reading this, I want him to know that I am not doing anything bad. I have not even come close to doing anything bad. I have NEVER done anything bad, even when I was living with my mom. And speaking of my mom, I do NOT put my mom on a pedestal. I am aware of her flaws and I know that this great time that I am having with her is not permanent. I just do not know what to do anymore. I know what my dad wants, and when I meet his needs, I miss something. I do not think I will ever be perfect in this aspect. It crushes me. For the record, it is usually never my fault when I am late or something. I do not make my friends, or my mom late. They make me late. I cannot demand my friends to be on time. I SURELY cannot demand my mom to be on time, because she will yell at me. There will never be a moment where everyone is happy. Especially not me. I will never be happy, if this continues. I just need to find that comfortable place in my life where everyone is at least content, and I am content because they are.

There is this girl. She does not know where to go. She does not know who to trust. She is afraid to give herself to someone. When she gave herself to someone, he changed his mind about her and left her. He did not apologize. He never would apologize. This would affect her greatly. She would soon not be able to trust the opposite sex. She would not be able to trust the way they looked, or spoke to her. This would carry on to people in general. She would struggle making friends, because she would be afraid that they would bring drama into her life. And when she did make friends, and had a lot of them, she would be afraid, everyday, that they would just stop appreciating her. At the same time, she wanted her parents to be happy. She wanted everyone to be happy. She wanted the strangers on the streets to be happy. She wanted to save the world. She wanted to help people before she would help herself, to the point where she would expect a mental breakdown every month. No one knew what was wrong with her, but she knew, and she did not want to change it. She just wanted everyone to be happy. She wanted to make people smile. She wanted to make them laugh. If she had done that, then she would be happy. Just like that. After her first serious relationship, her luck with boys faded away. She would chase them away with her insecurities. She thought every guy was a liar. She did not believe a word any of them would say. It would all be taken with a grain of salt. She felt cunning with this power, but at the same time, she wished that she would believe things that a guy would say. Especially since sometimes, what a guy would say could possibly be true. She finally met a guy who she thought was sent from God to let her know that she would not be single forever. She was scared, and timid, and knew right away that her insecurities would not let her let it work out, but she went for it. Head first. She remembers the first time she actually talked to that boy, and he was so inviting, that she left school smiling. With butterflies. For the first time in two years, she felt like she could like someone again. With that, she thought that she had moved on from her past. She felt herself looking forward. Before she knew it, she went back to insecurity mode. She was scared at every word and action this boy said. She was so scared of getting too close. She did not want to experience heart break again. She felt that she did not deserve it. However, she ended up screwing it up again. She doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. She doesn’t know when to stop. She doesn’t know when she is going too far.

hmmm

Nothing has been going on.
I have nothing to say.

Except–the smell of someone can really take you back.
I do not care if it was a week, a month, or a year, I miss him, and I miss the attention.
I am SO glad I deleted his number out of my phone, or I would be groveling right now.

ha ha.

February 6, 2009; Maybe All I Need Is Time.

Its been awhile…but once again, not on purpose. I had an interesting week. The weirdest week ever, actually. Have you ever been the underdog one minute, and then on top of the world the next? This is how this week worked out for me. It was like a dream through and through. I don’t know if it was a good or bad dream, though, I haven’t determined that yet.

Today for me was cut off short. I did not feel good at all. As far as I was concerned, the week ended for me on THURSDAY. This weekend I was supposed to hang out with Megan, but plans fell through. I don’t even know. But its okay. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow should be the highlight of this weekend for me. All my friends are at soccer playoffs as we speak (yay!!!!!) so I am going to hang out with Shelby tomorrow when she gets back. I am so excited. Shelby and I have hung out a lot this week! I guess we just can’t get enough of each other. Ha ha.

Okay my computer sucks. I had a longer entry but it deleted and now its gone. Ugh. I WILL CONTINUE THIS POST LATER.

February 2, 2009; Every Step I Take, Leads to One Mistake

Sorry for not updating for awhile. Its not that I’ve forgotten or that I wanted to, but all my thoughts that I have had recently have been either repetitive or they would have made some of you worry. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I am just trying to sort through feelings of doubt right now. I have never known what fear was until now. I wanted to get out of High School so bad for so long and now I want to at least be a Junior because I am so scared and I just know that I am not ready but I am ready because I want to get out so bad. It is the weirdest end. I can’t believe there even is an end. I never thought I’d see an end.

Super Bowl Sunday was so much fun. I feel like I truly understand football now, which is awesome! I love it, too! But I’ve always loved it!–well, since Junior year. So yeah, maybe not always. Ha. But it was fun. I watched one half with my dad and the other with my mom. It was exciting until the very end. Then I fumed with anger! But I got over it very quickly.

School is so difficult. I am having such a hard time with it. I don’t even want to talk about it because I have wasted enough tears on school and everything.

Aside from the grades of school, the overall environment at school is just not working for me. So much drama. I don’t know who to blame, so I blame myself. I am literally torturing myself. Me and my big mouth, I don’t even know. I just want everyone to kiss and make up and for things to go back to where they used to be. I am just going to keep my mouth shut even when I think I should open it. I can’t believe that even in Senior year, girls can be so catty. I am just trying to stay out of it. I don’t need it. I already have enough mental destruction going on, I don’t need anymore.

I really kind of enjoyed my weekend. It was pretty laid back. I don’t think I really wanted it to be filled with so much activities. I wanted to lay low and just enjoy having alone time. On Saturday, I went bowling with Amanda. That was really fun. A lot more people were supposed to go but of course no one wants to revise any plans that they made, so that person didn’t want to go. Its okay, I didn’t want to go with that person anyway :).

Life was just so much easier when I had a small group of friends. Now that I have so many, someone is bound to hate someone else. Whose side do I pick? I am not picking any sides. I don’t see either side. I just sit back in idle mode and wait for it all to go away. I wish so badly for it to go away. I remember it was just a few weeks ago that I wanted to be at school more than anything else, and now I want nothing more to stay in my room forever watching Dev Patel in random interviews and laugh and pretend like its all okay and no one is making fun of me for no reason or they’re not being immature for no reason and everyone is just normal and mature like us seniors are supposed to be. It was such a breath of relief to come home and just be alone today. I guess this is what my dad meant when he said that this house was drama free. I am finally seeing it now.

I remember last summer when I was talking to my aunt. I told her how lonely I felt sometimes. She told me that lonely was a state of mind. I was never alone. I think of this every time I feel alone, which is a lot these days. I think she’s right, but I feel like with every unanswered text and every ignored call, I feel more and more alone. I wish so badly to be away, away with my family. I never realized how truly happy I was when I was there–until I left. But that was a long term happiness. This weekend I want to Anthony’s house. I like being with Anthony because I know that we will probably never fight. We’ve never even fought, actually. And I can’t believe how much fun I have just sitting on his couch with him. This weekend, we read scripts. Just random scripts. And it was fun. And I think about it now, and I know that I did not even feel bad about anything. It was all okay. I wish it was okay to call Anthony right now and drive to my house so I can talk to him. because I know I would feel better. But I guess I can’t.

I don’t even know what I am talking about. I am rambling. I don’t want to post this for sympathy, but this is my blog about my thoughts, and this is what I’m thinking!

January 30, 2009; I’m all out of faith; this is how I feel.

I just need to stop putting myself through this.

I think every teenage girl should stop putting herself through this.

January 26, 2009; Don’t Run Away, It’s Only Life.

Happy Monday, everybody! I don’t know about you, but I always wake up late on Mondays. I woke up at 7:16 am this morning, and so I hurried to get into my “skater attire” for school. This week is skater week, which means there will be an assembly on Friday. Woo hoo! I always love the assemblies, except they always make the seniors the most embarrassing stuff ie run out in the middle of the gym floor and scream or whatever. No thanks, I’ll just take my seat. I am classier than that. Ahahaha. I definitely had a good morning, and the rest of my day was okay. Just–okay. Nothing to brag about. Nothing to complain about…well, not really. There are just some things that I wish I could say but I can’t. I just feel that I don’t deserve to be treated in the way that some people treat me. Sometimes when I step back and look at the bigger picture, I want nothing more than to leave this state, but I know that if I do, I will miss a lot. I am just living one day at a time though. If I start making plans again, it will drive me crazy.

TOMORROW!! is payday! I am going to go buy Skins season one. I am disregarding my phone situation. Dev Patel is higher on my priority list than being in contact with the outside world right now. I need, need, NEED to feed my addiction! The only problem that is standing in my way is where to find a UK show here in America without having to order it on the internet and wait a few weeks for it to come in. I want it NOW! I also have other plans for my check…still thinking I should get a new phone..I really don’t want to, but I will make up my mind when that moment comes. I was hoping someone could just give me a Motorola charger, but the friend who was going to give it to me couldn’t find it. I am definitely never depending on anyone for a favor again. It gets me nowhere fast.

As for the boy situation, I am taking things slow. I really don’t want to ruin anything. I feel really relaxed, though, and I’m really content in this position…and I think thats all I’m going to say about that, because I am really scared that I will jinx it. Haha.

If You’re Bored…(And I mean, REALLY bored)

…I added a new page! On the right side of my blog, where it says “About Me” and “My Favorite Quotes”, there is a new page called “Cute Boys of the Moment” check it out!

January 25, 2009; 2009 SAG Awards!!

Well, I was SO excited when I came home from Dani’s house this morning and found that the SAG awards were coming on tonight. However, I was NOT so happy to find that they would be coming on at 9pm. I love me some Slumdog Millionaire, and of course Dev Patel, but not enough to stay up until 11 pm to watch it. I need my beauty rest! So I came up with a plan of action and went to my moms at 6 pm (while looking for my car charger for my phone, because my SECOND charger for my phone kicked the bucket, so no phone until I go buy one, I guess..) and I decided to stay and watch the sag awards. I was really excited!!! Dev got robbed of his Best Supporting Actor or whatever it was called. Heath Ledger won, of course. My mom and I knew it right when I found out that he was in that category. Sigh! But Slumdog Millionaire won best Cast or something, I don’t know really what it was called, but I screamed anyway!! And of course, Kate Winslet won Best Supporting Actress for The Reader (which I STILL need to go and see!!!) but I knew she would 😉 No one is better than Kate. Sorry, but it’s true. 

This weekend was filled with silly random festivities. On Friday night, I was bored to tears (literally). And I was so mad at myself for not making prior plans. I really, truly hate not having anything to do. I like to be constantly busy, even if its with something I don’t like. On Saturday morning, I cleaned my whole entire room. I mean, I organized EVERYTHING! It was amazing. I was just on a roll! I started by sweeping the downstairs area, and I couldn’t stop there! It feels good to have a really clean room, even if I have a pile of clothes in the corner because I don’t have a closet. I REALLY WISH I HAD A CLOSET, THOUGH (hint hint, Dad!) 

Tomorrow is dress like a SKATER day. I hope I remember this, because I actually have an outfit picked out. I raided my sister’s closet, ha ha ha. Surprisingly, her clothes fit me. And I took her shoes, too. I am going to look like an idiot, but don’t all skaters look like idiots? My point exactly. We are having a half day on Wednesday, which I volunteered to go to Desert Sky to volunteer for their “half day hang out”. I have no idea what that is but I am going to go volunteer because I was really planning on volunteering a lot more, since this is my last year in MOVE and I really want to make the best of it. 

Speaking of which, I still need to make a project proposal. I was really planning on doing a Self Esteem Seminar type thing for teenage girls, but I don’t know exactly what I would do, so I am thinking of doing some fundraising for a charity. Something that I believe in. I don’t know yet, but I really want to do something. I think of it everyday.